"First With the Head, and Then With the Heart

This is War….

I feel like I’ve been at war with myself every time I get attached to a girl. Part of me is saying “don’t fall too hard, or too fast because it’s gonna hurt in the end”. The other part is saying “go for it buddy, you deserve to be happy”. So that side that is cautious was winning for three years… I would push myself away from the feelings I thought i had, but that all changed when I met this girl in Senior year. I wasn’t cautious at all! My mind wasn’t telling me to be careful, it was like my mind completely shut off or something… like it surrendered. And so I fell a little more every day i talked to her… every day i saw her, and every day i was away from her. It made me angry because I couldn’t figure out why she was so different, why I felt this way without any caution. 

The battle now wasn’t whether I liked her or not anymore… the battle now was whether it was worth it or not. She was moving 100 miles south, towards San Diego… those two words I’m beginning to hate… My mind now was telling me to stop trying because she’s going to be so far away. I wouldn’t be able to see her as often as i would like. But my other half was saying “if you try, you could make it work.” And so i decided to try, I tried to talk with her everyday, day and night… until she left… we started to talk less and i felt distant. But again, part of my mind was saying to keep trying and so i did. I drove down to San Diego to see her…she was in her SD sweater, black tights and boots… simple, but I thought she was beautiful none the less. Before I left, I confessed that I still liked her and that we could try… but after all my efforts, I was friend zoned. 

The final battle now is to let go. I find this battle to be the hardest because I know what i should do, but i dont wanna do it. And so I’m trying to fight against my feelings. I wanna turn it off and not care anymore. But every night, every time I am alone.. my feelings creep up on me…and it’s getting harder to fight back. But I have to keep fighting… this war isn’t over until i don’t feel anymore.

I don’t regret meeting you, I just hate that I got too attached.

I love her, but she’s not even mine…

I feel like i’ve wasted my time. I chased after this amazing, beautiful, down to earth girl for nearly 8 months! I don’t know what im doing wrong! I feel like God doesn’t want me to fall in love! I feel like there’s no one in the world for me and thats why i think I will be alone for the rest of my life. But yeah, this girl was the first girl that i’ve really liked since my last relationship… which was about four years ago. Because I liked this girl… i decided to drive all the way to UCSD so I can see her and hug her. I felt like kissing her when she was near but she’s not my girlfriend. I can’t do those things. I’ve never done this for any girl before! I….i just want someone who genuinely loves me for me. I’m a nice guy, girls ask me all the time why I dont have a girlfriend… and heres what i tell them… “Because nice guys get friendzoned… because nice guys are always the ones that finish last.”

Now im heartbroken again because she doesn’t feel the same way. After all the things I’ve done…after all the effort I tried to put in…again I’m friendzoned. I feel like staying home now and just not talk to anyone! But I know that wont help because I will start thinking about her and it will make me feel even worse. I…i’ve got to be strong now… I’m a man.. and men don’t show weakness! I think I should just turn my feelings off and just have fun. Flirt with girls… go to clubs! Drink a couple beers… i’m no longer gonna mind anybody elses feelings (even tho it’s my nature). Maybe try to get into a fight or two lol. I wish it were that easy, turning your feelings off, but I’ll give it a try and no longer give a fuck! But what if i find another girl i really like?

I don’t know what to think… should I stop chasing after a girl for more than 3 months? Yeah, that sounds about right… no, wait… i dont want to chance it… 2 months is the deadline. 

I remember when it was really difficult getting over my EX. I felt so comfortable around her and I didnt wanna let go of that. But I had to, and so I tried forcing myself to like other girls. When they rejected me, I honestly didn’t feel anything and so I continued to chase after my EX again. I realized, two years later that I was only hurting myself. So I spent a year away from her, no communication what-so-ever and enjoyed life. That was until I met another girl in my senior year, whom I had no attraction to at first. I’ve been known for my impeccable timing because I fell for her at the end of my senior year. We texted each other non-stop over the summer. I felt like i was in another relationship, but this one had boundaries. I couldn’t say things normal couples could say to the other. Nor could i hold her, or cuddle with her like other couples could. 

We fell apart when she moved away. We talked less and less until it was month after month that I would text her for a couple hours and then it died off. When she finally texted me to hang out, I rushed out of the house and into my car, driving over 80 miles an hour. When I finally saw her walking down the sidewalk, my heart skipped a beat. It felt like the many dreams I had about her. Half of the day, we spent talking about relationships and she was ready for another one, but she didn’t want to deal with all the B.S that came with it. I completely agreed with her because that was exactly how I felt about it too. I even told her that I was scared that I might hurt the girl with my rage. But her reply was: You can’t do that to yourself, you have to take a chance. 

I’m not sure if she was hinting me that she had feelings for me, but I was usually wrong about these things in the past. So I brushed off this assumption and continued with my day with her. But now I regret not asking her if she had these feelings, because I keep thinking about her and how great a time we had together. I get jealous when other guys are with her, or even flirt with her up in UCSD. I haven’t felt this strongly for a girl since 4 years ago. Hopefully, when I see her again, I will ask… I hope it isnt too late. Valentines Day is coming, so maybe that will be the perfect time.

I want to be genuinely happy…